I Did It!

This may seem like a small thing to most of you, but to me, I feel like I have just climbed Mt. Everest! Over a year ago, I went to a baby shower and had to leave early because I couldn't stop crying. I haven't ever been so miserable hiding in a bathroom so no one would see my pain and my tear stained shirt. Since then, I have taken a hiatus from all baby showers. Even ones at school that I was in charge of getting together (don't even ask). I would get them ready and find a reason to leave before it all got started.

When I got the invitation to go to Jessica Parsley and baby Annie's "sprinkle" I thought, "OK Emily, you can do this." I hate not going to things because I love the company of good friends, but knowing how horribly I did at the last one I went to, I never wanted to do a replay. So, I put my big girl panties on and went. Guess what?!?! No hurt! Did I wish I could be having one too? Heck yeah! Yet, never once did I feel the complete and utter sadness I had felt over a year ago. With each gift I didn't want to cry, scream, or throw up! When conversations were all about the pain and joy of childbirth, things so many doctors have said I will never experience, I didn't want to cry and wallow in self-pity.

When people do talk about diapers, bottles, hair bows, boys clothes, etc. I do feel something... left out. Not in a middle school sort of way, where I am plotting revenge :), but I feel like a dork sitting there with absolutely NOTHING to add to that type of conversation. It doesn't mean I don't want people to talk about that around me. I promise I am not fragile and it really doesn't bother me. I don't want people walking on eggshells around me, I just hate that I have to sit in silence. Contrary to what a lot people think, I am not quiet and can actually be pretty crazy! :) It amazes me how many people think I am quiet... when I hear that there is a part of me that dies laughing! Just hang around me long enough and you'll see ;)

Anyway, just wanted to share my climbing of Mt. Everest! I am just glad God has healed a part of my heart where I can rejoice with others again and feel so much happiness for those around me who are being blessed with children. There are still broken pieces that won't be able to be put back together until Carter or Ava arrive, but there are little band-aids on there now. I honestly never thought I would be able to say that and really mean it from the bottom of my heart, with God's help and many, many, many prayers, I can.