Saturday, June 26, 2010

Great Practice

I got some awesome baby practice this morning! Our friends who just adopted, Brad and Brianna, were in need of a babysitter this morning!! Brad was helping Adam at the barn and Brianna had an appointment, so I was the lucky one who got to keep Jake, who is 5 weeks old! I invited Allie over for reinforcement, since I am really new at this. She and I were in baby heaven! I got to feed, burp, rock, and change his poopy diaper. Great practice for me! Here are some sweet pics of this precious gift Brad and Brianna have been blessed with! Also, check out the outfit, yes, he came over in an elephant outfit and he had the same blanket Alicia just got Baby Cassady! Thanks Brad and Brianna for sharing your sweet miracle with me today!

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

I Did It!

This may seem like a small thing to most of you, but to me, I feel like I have just climbed Mt. Everest! Over a year ago, I went to a baby shower and had to leave early because I couldn't stop crying. I haven't ever been so miserable hiding in a bathroom so no one would see my pain and my tear stained shirt. Since then, I have taken a hiatus from all baby showers. Even ones at school that I was in charge of getting together (don't even ask). I would get them ready and find a reason to leave before it all got started.

When I got the invitation to go to Jessica Parsley and baby Annie's "sprinkle" I thought, "OK Emily, you can do this." I hate not going to things because I love the company of good friends, but knowing how horribly I did at the last one I went to, I never wanted to do a replay. So, I put my big girl panties on and went. Guess what?!?! No hurt! Did I wish I could be having one too? Heck yeah! Yet, never once did I feel the complete and utter sadness I had felt over a year ago. With each gift I didn't want to cry, scream, or throw up! When conversations were all about the pain and joy of childbirth, things so many doctors have said I will never experience, I didn't want to cry and wallow in self-pity.

When people do talk about diapers, bottles, hair bows, boys clothes, etc. I do feel something... left out. Not in a middle school sort of way, where I am plotting revenge :), but I feel like a dork sitting there with absolutely NOTHING to add to that type of conversation. It doesn't mean I don't want people to talk about that around me. I promise I am not fragile and it really doesn't bother me. I don't want people walking on eggshells around me, I just hate that I have to sit in silence. Contrary to what a lot people think, I am not quiet and can actually be pretty crazy! :) It amazes me how many people think I am quiet... when I hear that there is a part of me that dies laughing! Just hang around me long enough and you'll see ;)

Anyway, just wanted to share my climbing of Mt. Everest! I am just glad God has healed a part of my heart where I can rejoice with others again and feel so much happiness for those around me who are being blessed with children. There are still broken pieces that won't be able to be put back together until Carter or Ava arrive, but there are little band-aids on there now. I honestly never thought I would be able to say that and really mean it from the bottom of my heart, with God's help and many, many, many prayers, I can.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

A Loved Child

A friend of ours was over the other night and he said "you know, a child is loved so much when you are expecting, but your child, gosh, what love he/she is going to feel because you've waited so long." He also said if I ever felt that no one was thinking about us, that I always needed to know his wife talks about us all the time and that filled my heart. Sometimes people don't know that what they say is just what you needed at that moment. I know when mom's are pregnant the love they feel for their child before they even see them is unconditional. I too feel this way about our miracle in waiting. I have no idea if they are in this world yet, have been conceived, or if their birth mother is about to make the hardest decision of her life at this very moment. I truly pray for birth mothers and thank God for them. Not only do I already love my child, but so many of my friends and family do too. Here are the latest Baby Cassady presents that my dear friends have bought.

What an adorable little blanket that would work for Carter or Ava! Alicia bought this for us. She is already finding deals on all kinds of baby stuff, we just need a baby to know when to buy it! ;)

These are precious little onesies! Neesa is working at Gymboree during the summer and she said she couldn't wait anymore! It's killing her to work around all of the cute baby stuff and not get it all for Carter or Ava! If we knew if it were Carter or Ava or both, this would help with the desire to purchase everything in site! ;)

It's not just the gifts that excite me, it's that my friends and family are wanting this for us as badly as we are wanting it for ourselves. So many times people have hugged me and said they're praying for us. That fills my heart and helps me get through another day. Now, I am not always sad about this and there are days that I feel such peace, but on those rough days, I try to think of all my family and friends prayers that I know are going to prove out!

Monday, June 14, 2010

A Mommy Experience

So, Maggie, my niece, might hate me when she is older for telling this story, but right now, I feel it is worth telling.

Last week when Marty and Stephanie were in Hawaii (yes I am still getting over the jealousy! ;) Adam's parents aka Grandmother and Papa took Mollie, Macy, Maggie, and Hallie to Gatlinburg for the week. Adam and I decided we'd go down for a couple of days and hang out with the girls too. So, Thursday night we decided to take all 4 girls to the pool for a night swim. Grandmother and Papa were excited about this. :) So, we head off with the 4 girls and we are having a great time. We have Maggie in her life jacket and I am teaching her how to jump in without being caught by me (who is exhausted from catching, helping flip, etc. by this point) All of the sudden Maggie says "poop just came out." I thought OH NO, NOT IN THE POOL!!! Well, luckily I had put a little swimmers pull up on her before we had gone to the pool. She definitely didn't like the feeling of the poop, but I, not be an experienced packer of things for kids, didn't bring an extra swimmer pull up. So, being the genius I am, I think I will just take her to the pool bathroom and dump out the poopy in the toilet, and be done with it. Boy, am I dumb! When Maggie pulled it off, before I could do anything, her poopy fell on the floor of the bathroom!!! Here is this huge pile of mushy poopy on the floor and Maggie is saying "shoo, that stinks!" I am totally agreeing with Mags at this point. I am trying not to gag and saying a pep talk to myself "be a mom, be a mom!!" I have to get A LOT of TP and pick it up off the floor and put it in the toilet. Well, then I had to proceed with the the cleaning up of Maggie... took A LOT of TP too as wet wipes would have been handy at this point! (Again, not a thinker when it comes to packing those things, I mean it's a simple trip to the pool right?)

I finally get her cleaned up and I go out and tell Adam we need another little swimmer so if she needs to go again, it really won't end up in the pool. He calls grandmother and she says "Maggie hasn't worn one of those all week, she just tells me when she needs to go." "WHAT!!" Why didn't I know that?!?!?!

So, I feel I have been initiated into motherhood. When Drew was staying with us I would be so worried until I heard him come home at night. So, that is me going through the later years with a child and now I have picked up poopy off of the bathroom floor. I mean, if all of that AND marrying a BIG CHILD named Adam hasn't prepared me for motherhood, I don't know what would!

Now, let me end with this, I wouldn't trade a minute of my time with my nieces, poop and all for ANYTHING in this world! I have been blessed with 5 precious nieces who give me great joy and whom I love more than I could even begin express. I hope to one day bring another little one into the equation, oh Lord, what if it's a boy... what will we do?!?! :) Probably stick a bow in his head, right Cassady Girls? :)

Monday, June 7, 2010

Happiness Counts

First of all I want to thank everyone who commented on my last blog. You will NEVER know how much I appreciated it and how it has opened my eyes to see I am not the only person in the world who hurts because of lack of children. It really is amazing how many people have contacted me through this blog that truly understand what we are going through. I cried numerous times while reading comments and they have kept me going!!!

I have been too doom and gloom here lately, so I thought I would make a list of things I am thankful for. I know we can't have all good and perfect days, but I want to try to be more positive and not focus on the things that I really have no control over. I am thankful for a lot more than is on my list, but I thought I would a few on today and add to it on days when I am feeling blue. Some are silly, but they make me smile.

1. My salvation and my church. I have no idea where I'd be without God, good Christian friends, and a church to go to that will remind me of so many good things and so many things I need to work for.
2. A husband who always brings a smile to my face (BTW Happy 31st Birthday Adam!) I am blessed with a great companion.
3. My family whom I depend on for so many things
4. My friends who are always there (yes even at 11:00 at night when my hardwood floors are being done and they smell so bad that Adam and I pack up and head over!) Alicia, you are the best friend anyone could ever ask for! Kerry, you aren't too bad either! :)
5. My home, not the material things, but the fact I have a good place to come home to every night
6. Steak, yes, steak. I LOVE steak! :)
7. Retail therapy. There is something about shopping that can make so many things seem better!
8. Inflatables! I loved it when my brother-in-law,Kyle, got one for his school and invited Adam and I over the night before it got taken away for a play date with him, Staffanne, Hallie and Hannah! I love being a big kid and I love how Kyle and Staffanne include us so often!
9. Pedicures... I LOVE them! Someone else dealing with my feet is great!
10. Massages... those are the bomb-diggity! I could have my back rubbed for hours a day, if I could afford it.

So, there are 10 things I am thankful for. I am thankful for much more but I will save those for a rainy day. I know some are goofy, but hey, I am so not a very serious person! I want Baby Cassady to know his/her mom wasn't always so serious!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Just what I needed

As many of you know, I have been feeling so down lately. My heart just seems constantly saddened, not only by the baby situation but other things in my life that I can't seem to get over. It seems when someone hurts me I have the hardest time getting over it. I don't like that feeling, so I got out the BIble again for some encouragement and came upon what I needed. I know I've posted about reading the Bible before, but I have just found a comfort in it today that is greatly needed. I feel these posts aren't the most "popular" as no one seems to comment on them, but that's not why I post. I am doing this so one day our child will know how much we desired to make them a part of our family and how mommy's heart hurt until she got her precious gift from God.

"I waited patiently for the Lord; He inclined unto me, and heard my cry."

Psalms 40:1

I know if I continue to pray and patiently work for the Lord, He'll hear my cry.