I try not to be negative or put too much of my not-so-happy feelings on my blog, but today I just need to vent. This is my "public" diary and one day I will print this out for our child to see how they came to be part of our family. I want them to know it wasn't always ups, there were downs too because life can be like that.
Anyway, I am just getting frustrated with the "wait." At first it was exciting and believe me I still get butterflies when I think about it, but there is a part of me that is ready to burst! Yesterday some friends of ours who are adopting got their little baby boy. They are the ones whose sister talked to someone at Wal-Mart... anyway, I am so happy for them as they have been trying to have a family longer than Adam and I, but they just thought about adoption and decided on it a short time ago. I DO NOT resent them nor do I want it to sound that way, but I just feel like screaming out "WHEN IS IT OUR TURN????!!!!"
Then today at school a teacher told she is pregnant. Now, I want to say I have come a long way as I didn't want to throw anything, hit anyone, or just lay in the floor and cry when she told me. I actually could look her in the face and congratulate her without any sadness! Go me!!! But again, I want that for myself too.
Adam is getting discouraged and doesn't talk about our future baby very often and that is discouraging to me. I just feel sometimes I don't know what to do or say, but I pray daily for God to send us a child. I know He will, but my faith can get weak from time to time. I want to be a mother more than anything and it just hurts my heart some days more than others. I love buying and receiving the baby things and I get GREAT pleasure from it, but it doesn't completely fill the void I have in my heart where I know the love for a child is going to go.
I don't want to be selfish and I know there are greater problems in the world and more things you all need to pray for, but if we cross your mind, please pray for us. I know God has a plan for us but I also believe in the power of prayer. There isn't anyone I'd want praying for my family more than my good Christian friends.
So, thanks for listening (reading) my venting session. Love you all!
10 months ago